All about the shoes

I hate yummy mummy celebrities like Sarah Jessica Parker, Gwyneth Paltrow and Victoria Beckham.
It’s not their ginormous pay-cheques, stunning good looks, cool husbands, or designer wardrobes I covet … no, it’s their ability to walk in high heels.
Each week, it seems, new photos and videos of them strutting red carpets in fabulous outfits and even more enviable shoes appear to make mere mortals feel inadequate.
It’s cruel, I tell you!
Somehow, pushing two tiny human beings out of my Front Bottom, also dispensed with my ability to wear stilettos.
Pre-pregnancy, wearing high heels was de rigeur. In fact, in view of my height, it was a necessity.
Whether it was travelling to an interview, catching up with friends, or heading out to dance all night, stilettos, heels or FMBs were always the order of the day. They made me taller, gave me confidence, helped me feel sexier. I never fell over while wearing them – although I may have lost one occasionally, after a few too many glasses of vino. And there was the time when I unwittingly, left a shoe on an escalator – only to have a charming young man retrieve it, carry it back down to me, and present it with a flourish.
Ahh, happy days.
Flash forward to Pregnancy Number 1. Within months of finding out there was a Bun In The Oven, I had piled on loads of weight, and I quickly lost my centre of gravity.
Stubbornly persisting on waddle around in high heels, I soon discovered the error of my ways. After a few nasty incidents, usually involving lots of swaggering, and many gutters, my husband Kyle banned heels.
There was a brief period, in between babies, where I felt confident enough to try again. A day at the races, my brother’s 40th birthday party, Date Night with my man … but I was always happy to slip them off at the end of the day. My endurance had taken a tumble.
I felt I was pregnant again, before I knew it. I’d become clumsy again, had fallen over a couple of times, and had unbearable tummy pain.
A test revealed another child was on its way.
This time, I chucked the sexy shoes in the back of the wardrobe. I felt sure I’d be able to wear them after Angel Number 2 arrived, right? Wrong.
On the rare occasions since her arrival that I’ve donned my heels, I can usually be spotted falling, collapsing, and/or sliding down hills. Usually carrying a fresh-baked batch of patty cakes for a school fundraiser.
I don’t know what’s happened but my ability to walk in Seriously Sexy Shoes has been seriously challenged.
Nowadays, I still want to feel sexy, tall and powerful – but I don’t want to end up looking like an Eeejit.

And now research has proven that high heels are a health hazard - causing falls, back pain, bone fractures, and even hip replacement surgery - in wannabe yummy-mummies.
That’s why I dislike celebs like Posh, Gwenny, and SJP.
Not content with being rich, famous, successful yummy mummies, they insist on rubbing their shoe-wearing abilities in my face.
It’s nothing personal, girls, you understand. It’s All About The Shoes.

When mummies aren't yummy

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of all this ‘yummy mummy’ business.

You know, super-slim celebrity mums like Victoria Beckham, Kate Hudson, Elle Macpherson and Liz Hurley who seem to delight in swanning around in haute couture and making the rest of us look bad.

I have no problem with naturally thin women, or those who enjoy keeping fit, and taking pride in their appearance. But don’t get me started on mothers who starve themselves, over-exercise, follow silly diets, and turn to botox and surgery in a bid to stay yummy. Far from being yummy, the whole thing leaves a pretty nasty taste in my mouth.

Look at Posh, who boasts the same waist measurement of a seven-year-old child - courtesy of a strawberry and champagne diet, regular detoxes, and a tummy tuck after every c-section. Or Liz Hurley, whose slimming secret is watercress soup, and plenty of it. And Kate Hudson, who got her enviable figure back by hiring two personal trainers, working out three hours a day, and eating next to nothing, after the birth of her son Ryder.

It could be worse. TV star Jaime Presley ate nothing but cabbage soup while working out for two hours a day after giving birth to her son Desi. And I admit it: She looks great. But would you want to do it? (And more importantly, would your husband want to sleep with you if you were?)

Most new mums are too busy going without sleep, wiping up baby sick, dealing with toxic nappies, and stuffing cabbage leaves down their bras to find a minute to themselves, let alone two or three hours.

And if we did have so much free time, I bet most mums would rather catch up on sleep, shopping or the latest episode of Desperate Housewives than working out till the point of exhaustion on an empty tummy. No, the closest we get to regular exercise is the school run. And forget about designer clothes, we’re lucky if we make it out of our trakky daks in the morning!

No, although most Mummies would undoubtedly love to be yummy, I have a far more realistic guide to Mums In The Real World.

Crummy mummies
Forgetful mums who never return excursion forms and swimming permission slips in time. They don’t know which days are tuckshop, forget to send library books back, and mistakenly send their children dressed in their uniforms on free-dress days. Often seen consoling a tearful child who has just realised he won’t be allowed to go on the chocolate factory excursion because Mum forget to sign the permission slip.

Slummy mummies
Britney Spears-types who would rather go out on the town with their girlfriends than take their kids to the park. Often dressed in a uniform of high heels, short skirts, and plunging necklines, with optional muffin top. Regularly spotted chatting up Dishy Dads at the school gate, showing off their latest tattoo, or dancing on tables at the school disco.

Plummy mummies
Well-to-do types who are always bragging about their latest investment property, fabulous hairdresser, or luxurious overseas holiday. They dress their kids in trendy designer gear, organise over-the-top birthday parties, and think their child is far more advanced than anyone else’s, particularly yours. Regularly spotted in their new 4WDs ferrying their kids to and from after-school ballet, sport, music and language classes.

Tummy mummies
Otherwise gorgeous women who, without celebrity access to fitness instructors, dieticians and cosmetic surgeons, never quite manage to lose their baby tummy. Think of Jamie Oliver’s wife Jools who recently admitted: "Since having the girls, I have to tuck my tummy into my jeans. But it just reminds me of them, so it's fine." Bless.

Dummy mummies
Mums who believe dodgy claims spun by guilt-inducing advertisers and current affairs shows. They are easy marks for companies selling expensive and unnecessary early learning toys, advanced education programs, pricey nutritional supplements or child modelling courses. They spend their spare time forwarding on scam emails about allegedly sick kids, phoney internet campaigns and dubious health warnings.

Chummy mummies
Women who become instant best friends even though the only thing they have in common is children. Though they come from completely different backgrounds and have different lives, they bond over chats about nappies, childcare and school. Can be invaluable for playdates, babysitting swaps, and occasional school pick-ups.

Glummy mummies
Cranky mums who are always tired and stressed. Often working parents who are fed up with juggling work, motherhood and life, they are always in a rush and have no time to themselves. Can often be spotted dragging kids into school after the bell has rung, or shouting at children in the supermarket.

Strummy mummies
Earth-mother types who radiate serenity and peace. Fans of breastfeeding, co-sleeping and organic food, they bake healthy snacks from scratch, and are first to volunteer for kindy roster. Their kids eat grain bread and salad instead of white bread and kiddy snacks, and watch wildlife documentaries instead of cartoons.

Rummy mummies
Stressed-out women who rely on ‘mummy’s little helper’ to get through the day. Though some prefer prescription medication to stay calm, most turn to a glass of wine (or a bottle) to help the rigours of homework, dinner, bath and bed go smoothly.

Bummy mummies
Stingy mums who are always on the scrounge. They’re the ones who ask to borrow your cot/high chair/car seat/pram and never give them back. They
regularly drop in at dinner time, and are always asking you to babysit, but never seem to return the favour.

If you fall into one of these categories, rest easy: You don’t have to be yummy, you just need to be their mummy!