Saturday, June 21, 2008

All about the shoes

I hate yummy mummy celebrities like Sarah Jessica Parker, Gwyneth Paltrow and Victoria Beckham.
It’s not their ginormous pay-cheques, stunning good looks, cool husbands, or designer wardrobes I covet … no, it’s their ability to walk in high heels.
Each week, it seems, new photos and videos of them strutting red carpets in fabulous outfits and even more enviable shoes appear to make mere mortals feel inadequate.
It’s cruel, I tell you!
Somehow, pushing two tiny human beings out of my Front Bottom, also dispensed with my ability to wear stilettos.
Pre-pregnancy, wearing high heels was de rigeur. In fact, in view of my height, it was a necessity.
Whether it was travelling to an interview, catching up with friends, or heading out to dance all night, stilettos, heels or FMBs were always the order of the day. They made me taller, gave me confidence, helped me feel sexier. I never fell over while wearing them – although I may have lost one occasionally, after a few too many glasses of vino. And there was the time when I unwittingly, left a shoe on an escalator – only to have a charming young man retrieve it, carry it back down to me, and present it with a flourish.
Ahh, happy days.
Flash forward to Pregnancy Number 1. Within months of finding out there was a Bun In The Oven, I had piled on loads of weight, and I quickly lost my centre of gravity.
Stubbornly persisting on waddle around in high heels, I soon discovered the error of my ways. After a few nasty incidents, usually involving lots of swaggering, and many gutters, my husband Kyle banned heels.
There was a brief period, in between babies, where I felt confident enough to try again. A day at the races, my brother’s 40th birthday party, Date Night with my man … but I was always happy to slip them off at the end of the day. My endurance had taken a tumble.
I felt I was pregnant again, before I knew it. I’d become clumsy again, had fallen over a couple of times, and had unbearable tummy pain.
A test revealed another child was on its way.
This time, I chucked the sexy shoes in the back of the wardrobe. I felt sure I’d be able to wear them after Angel Number 2 arrived, right? Wrong.
On the rare occasions since her arrival that I’ve donned my heels, I can usually be spotted falling, collapsing, and/or sliding down hills. Usually carrying a fresh-baked batch of patty cakes for a school fundraiser.
I don’t know what’s happened but my ability to walk in Seriously Sexy Shoes has been seriously challenged.
Nowadays, I still want to feel sexy, tall and powerful – but I don’t want to end up looking like an Eeejit.
And now research has proven that high heels are a health hazard - causing falls, back pain, bone fractures, and even hip replacement surgery - in wannabe yummy-mummies.
That’s why I dislike celebs like Posh, Gwenny, and SJP.
Not content with being rich, famous, successful yummy mummies, they insist on rubbing their shoe-wearing abilities in my face.
It’s nothing personal, girls, you understand. It’s All About The Shoes.


Kelley said...

I wear sky high heels every day at work. I can even run after Boo in them. And that little turd can run FAST. But I am far from a yummy mummy :)

Try wedge heels. They look fab and are easier to walk in!

Bronnie said...

Ooh, I envy you. I have tried wedges. They are marginally better, but I still struggle. I am high-heeled challenged!

Good and plenty said...

Did your feet grow, too? My feet grew half a size with each pregnancy.
My daughter has had to let her stilettos go after the birth of her first child.
Believe it or not, some people regain the ability to wear heels after the kids grow a bit older. I have a few friends that happened to - plus they were really, really obsessed with getting back into their heels.

Lucy said...

lovely shoes